A girl who have existed for 19 years, 3 months and 13 days.
Exactly how many people noticed her existence? Sure she had plenty of friends, making different memories each days as seconds trickle pass. But if one day, she cease to exist...
Exactly how long will memories of her have lasted in this world?
She had never asked for a lot.
Of course during her younger days she longed for fame and fortune and a handsome, model bodied boyfriend with a shiny benz to complete her life (as do many other young women). However, things started changing as age gradually filled in.
No longer she longed for fame; she rather stay unknown and keep her personal life private.
No longer she longed for immense fortune; she rather stay a humble and modest life than to have thieves plotting her death every second in order to steal her wealth.
No longer she longed for a handsome, model bodied boyfriend driving a benz; she rather have a normal, responsible man who could protect her from the evil in this world, to assure her that she'll always be wanted and will never be abandoned or betrayed.
While the fan in her room rotate noisily way above her head, questions started piling into the girl's mind.
"Why am I always tired?"
"Why does my eyes hurt so much?"
"Why can't I have more discipline and self control?"
"Why must it be so hot in Malaysia?"
Usual, normal questions that any girl is likely to be asking herself in any certain time of the day.
Then, those questions took on another, more mysterious form which the girl herself could no longer keep track nor understand.
"Why don't I have as strongly a passion for God as others?"
"Why do I always feel like I'm fighting a battle which will never end?"
"Why do I feel so lonely yet so smothered with people at the same time?"
...
"Why do I write smses that I know I'll never send?"
The girl can't understand her own mind, her own emotions...
Sometimes she felt as though certain people know her so much better than she knows herself.
Or is this true for every individual on this planet?
She wants to keep her distance, yet she felt terribly lonely when she does so.
She wanted to run away from it, shielding herself from hurt. Yet she couldn't make herself to move.
She wanted to call upon the name of the Lord, yet she finds it so hard to harden her heart and turn away as God is prompting her to.
She felt torn in many ways.
Ways of the world, and ways of God.
Ways of wisdom, and ways of emotions.
Ways of right, and ways of wrongs.
Some things could be so right, yet so wrong at the same time.
Some things could meant one thing, yet hides many hidden motives behind it which will hurt and tear through the heart like a sharp dagger tearing through tender flesh.
Some actions might seemed innocent, yet in another's eyes, it burns through the soul like liquid acid, tearing through deepest corner of the heart and causing a tightening sensation at the throat, a wrenching sensation in the gut and a stinging sensation in the eyes.
That's how much one can hurt another without the former even realising what's going on.
And that, my friends, is what we must be aware of to protect our love ones around us.
Protecting me
You
And all those individuals out there who are, i can only sadly admit, as weak as myself inwardly.
Inner self.
The emotional self.
The self where no one can see and where one can hide it practically from the whole world with just the most basic skill of acting.
The self where hurt is felt full force, from every single action, every single word...
Yet, it is also the inner self that is able to experience the tinniest, smallest spark of joy caused by the slightest actions from the other and explode the whole self and light and warmth... the unexplainable feeling of being glad to just be alive.
The girl sighs and rests her chin against her right arm.
A small smile touches her lips as she feels the familiar feeling of amusement fills her heart.
The world is just filled with contradictions, doesn't it?
Nevertheless, beneath all the hurt and pain and betrayal and grief...
It is still a beautiful world.
=)
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