warning: below was written when im in a state of complete frustration over my stupid GS assignment so dun take anything i say seriously.
These few days im seriously going crazy. assignments arent really going well coz i found out that im actually easily distracted. ><
i cant pay attention for even 1 hr until i side track to other websites to release my boredom. (argh stupid fb n youtube.... T.T)
n then there's my own personal problem to deal with. i really wonder...
why is it so hard to jz be a happy girl? i wanna go back to the past. where's that happy-go-lucky huei ling whose worries are limited to jz family bickering? where's the huei ling that used to be so relax and loving every minute of life bcoz it's full of happiness? seems like she's gone for a very long time.
im missing her already...
i remember huei ling is someone who doesn't cry in front of others. (rarely anyway.) i think in the past i can count the number of ppl i really cried in front of with only one hand. Few of them included my mum, tracey, hui2, joachim, n my brother.
but now... in jz few months, it grew drastically. i wonder since when huei ling became such a cry-baby?
Lord, i jz want to be happy again. why is it so hard? i dont really know what to do already. i even felt like crying jz now when i grew frustrated over a stupid email. this never happen before...
when did i became so weak?
Lord, strengthen me up. im sick of crying, sick of being so worried everytime..
im tired of praying the same thing over and over again n nothing seem to change.
it seems like im official lost.
a lost little sheep wandering the fields, searching for her shepherd.
Searching for rest and happiness.
Lord where are You?
You are kinda quiet in this area... always im the one begging with tears n heartache.but i cant seem to get an answer...
or mayb...
the answer is always inside of me, only i dont want to acknowledge it coz im afraid of getting hurt?
im afraid of everything nowadays.
such a big fat scaredy-cat cry-baby.
how am i ever gonna grow up to be an adult?
i'll forever be a kid like this....
but Lord, thank you for being here. even though You are still kinda silent. but i definitely can feel Your peace coursing through my brokenness, Your spirit encouraging me, making me feel like i can still survive.
yeap.
huei ling is not that weak until she cant survive.
i still don't really like this new and current useless person i am now though. last time, i had ppl coming to me commenting that im a strong girl in facing challenges...
but now, i always hv ppl coming to pray for me, encouraging me to toughen up and be strong.
ironic sia...
what a big difference.
how ppl change when faced with a frustratingly depressing problem.
it gets even more depressing when u know it's all your fault this problem happen in the first place and u did nothing to stop it.
Lord, if i can turn back time, im not sure i'll do things differently though... im pretty sure i'll still do the same stupid decision over again.
im such an emotional wreck. ><
sum1 told me straight to my face that i do everything based on my emotions today.
感情用事
i totally agree.
it hurts like hell, but its true.
how do i change though? im SO obsessed with protecting myself from this world that i CANT make decisions without considering what its gonna do to my feelings first.
even though its a right decision...
God, i need a breakthrough in this area.
i want to do Your will, but You nid to provide a way for me. coz i cant do it alone... i'll jz break n break n break until i so broken that i nid to glue myself together pathetically, piece by piece, yet still the scar of the broken pieces will still be there, never whole like before.
can anyone understand?
i wonder if my shepherd can understand... im afraid of her reaction. im afraid she'll be disappointed at how weak i've become... im afraid she'll ask me to do things that are right but will break me all over again.
im afraid afraid afraid of...
im afraid of tomorrow.
i wonder what will happen...
but no worries, my God is with me. so even if i break again, He'll give me the glue and stay beside me while i pathetically glue all my broken pieces one by one together, all the while, He'll hold my hand and make sure my tears wont wet all the glue useless.
hahaha
aint it the funniest thing i've jz said????
it's called humour guys.
im a humorous girl afterall. dont forget that.
=)
HL
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